Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I am midnight drunk by noon
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
