we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
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You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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