I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
not ubering you a puppy
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
