Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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