i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
