cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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