I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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