Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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