I just saw a hot homeless man
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
