but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
