i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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