I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
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I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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