I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
