I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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