We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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