I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You ate ashes out of my bong
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
