Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
