I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
