trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
