Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
