dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
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