Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
