he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
