I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
