I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
