some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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