This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
