I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
