yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I wish you could order shots online.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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