He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
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So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
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Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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