my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
