I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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