I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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