Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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