I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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