dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
