Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
