When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
