I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
