if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
