Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
