wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
