at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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