i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I am one with the molecules
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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