Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
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I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
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That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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