hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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