Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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