What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
