Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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