theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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