It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
