i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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