I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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