I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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