Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
