her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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