Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
